I enjoy the game of golf. I enjoy playing it, watching it on TV, I enjoy talking about it, and I think about it a lot. As much as I enjoy it, you would think I would play more often than I do. Every year I go into the spring, thinking this will be the year I get into a routine of playing multiple times a week and really improve my game. Well, maybe next year…

But this article is not about golf, it is about our attitude; the mindset we have as we go about our daily lives. I am just using golf as a vehicle to illustrate my thoughts about attitude. For many golfers, a bad first hole or even an errant first shot can cause them to have a negative attitude through the whole round.

Every golfer needs a plan, as do all of us, for how we will handle the challenges of the day. We need to think ahead about how we will deal with the obstacles we are likely to encounter. For a round of golf, thinking ahead about the first few holes and having a conservative, realistic plan for how you will attack each hole can help you avoid allowing a bad beginning to ruin your whole day. Similarly, thinking ahead about your day, and having a plan for how you will pro-actively negotiate your way around and through the obstacles you are likely to see can be a great way to keep your attitude positive.

But, you say, my daily life is a lot more complicated than a round of golf! I agree, and I realize you may encounter life circumstances that threaten to crush your ability to maintain a positive attitude. So what are we to do? The life we find ourselves in is the life we have been given and as they say, we must play the cards we have been dealt. Often in my work as a counselor, I find myself sitting with someone dealing with a lot of hurt and anger, or facing seemingly insurmountable circumstances. In such cases I sometimes talk about a concept known as reframing – learning to see things from a different point of view. It can be a very valuable skill whereby we learn to view serious problems or obstacles as challenges, which we have the skills to face and overcome.

A frequently cited and dramatic example of Reframing can be found in Victor Frankl’s book, From Death Camp to Existentialism, where he speaks of being imprisoned in WWII Nazi Concentration Camps. For three years, he lived through starvation and torture in four camps. He lost his beloved wife and all of his family, and witnessed most of his fellow inmates die. Frankl kept his mind active, planning the lectures he would give after his release, using experiences from the death camps to illustrate points he wanted to teach. As a devoted teacher, his careful, deliberate planning of his future lectures kept his spirit and body alive in hideous dehumanizing conditions. He survived the death camps and went on to realize his vision of using his experiences as a great healer, writer and lecturer.

A positive attitude is always preferable to the alternative, so be encouraged to think about what it would look like to have a plan for facing your daily challenges. If you are already in the midst of a problem, could you reframe it and learn to see it from a different perspective? Could you learn to see it as a challenge you alone are uniquely equipped to face? Could you even learn to see it as an opportunity from which you will learn valuable lessons for the future, benefiting yourself and all those you care about?

In 2007 Jack Nicholson and Morgan Freeman starred in a movie, which popularized the term, “The Bucket List”. They played two terminally ill men who decided to escape from the hospital and live the experiences they had always dreamed of before they “kicked the bucket”. There is some debate as to when the term “bucket list” was first used but most attribute credit to the movie. Regardless, it certainly made the term a part of our normal lexicon.

I think most of us probably have some things we would like to accomplish or places we would like to visit during our lifetime whether or not we refer to them as our bucket list. Without thinking very hard, I know I would like to take an Alaskan Cruise, play a round of golf on the old course at St Andrews, and make more trips to Israel.

But I want to set our bucket lists aside for a few minutes and talk about how we spend our days. As for me, I have decided to withdraw from the bucket list model of thinking about future experiences. Don’t get me wrong; I absolutely do believe we should have goals and dreams, but I don’t believe its beneficial to pine away about experiences we hope to have as if life is not going to be complete without them. You see I believe, for every so called bucket list item I don’t experience before I kick the bucket, there will be many, even better experiences when I get home (yeah, I believe heaven is going be pretty awesome). This way of spending my days frees me from worrying that I have to do it all, and allows me to live today completely. It allows me to be fully present in this day, even if I’m just mowing my grass or having some ice cream with one of my grandbabies. I often tell young parents, “Cherish every day you have with your children”. These precious days pass so quickly; so don’t waste today worrying about what you hope to experience tomorrow. I think this is a good way for all of us to live, whatever stage of life we are in.

I recently read an excerpt from a book called All Things New by one of my favorite authors, John Eldredge. Eldredge included the following quote, which I believe creates a perfect word picture for this state of mind. It is much more poetic prose than I normally enjoy, but I think it is a beautiful description.

I had lain down under the shadow of a great, ancient beech-tree that stood on the edge of the field. As I lay, with my eyes closed, I began to listen to the sound of the leaves overhead. At first, they made sweet inarticulate music alone; but, by-and-by, the sound seemed to begin to take shape, and to be gradually molding itself into words; till, at last, I seemed able to distinguish these, half-dissolved in a little ocean of circumfluent tones: “A great good is coming—is coming—is coming to thee…” (George MacDonald, Phantastes)

We don’t have to kick our bucket lists, but let’s not focus on them so much we forget to enjoy today.

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about being cool. Something that makes our language so difficult for non-native English speakers to master is that we have so many words that can have different meanings. For example, master can refer to proficiency or position. When I noted that I had been thinking about being cool, I am certain that different readers conjured up different ideas of my meaning. Some of you probably thought I was thinking about being hip, or “with it”. People use lots of different words or expressions for this kind of “cool” (rad, bad, chill, wicked, sick) most of which are kind of meaningless to this old not very cool guy. In my work with young people I sometimes say; “the coolest thing about me is that I know I am not, and I am ok with that fact”.

Actually, I have not been thinking about that kind of cool anyway. I’ve been thinking about the kind of cool related to temperature, and how nice it is to “be cool” when the weather starts edging up into the 90’s the way it has across southeast Tennessee lately. I have been thinking about this a lot because the Air Conditioner in our home died last week. Coming home in the afternoon to find the temperature hovering at 85 in your domicile is a great way to start you thinking about being cool. No hard feelings toward the old A/C unit. It did its job pretty well for nearly 20 years.

I noticed something kind of interesting as the old A/C unit breathed its last breath of cool air into our home. The thermometer continued to function perfectly. It noticed and reported accurately that the temperature in the room was rising, continually giving updates as to just how hot the house was getting. Although I could tell we were having a problem and really did not need anything or anyone to tell me room the temperature was rising, this thermometer continued flashing up higher and higher numbers. What we needed was not a thermometer to tell us we had a problem, we needed a working thermostat to do something about the problem.

This got me thinking about how some people are like thermometers; they are eager to point out problems, but not willing or able to do anything about the problem. Other people are more like thermostats. These are the people I really enjoy being around. When they sense a problem, they immediately spring into action to initiate a change to solve the problem. I know there are times when I am more like a thermometer, just pointing out problems, but not offering a solution. What I want is to be more like a thermostat. I want to be like some friends of mine who do not just notice and report “the temp is rising”, they take the next step and like a good thermostat, they take action to “regulate the temperature”, not just with words but with actions. How about you? Are you a thermometer, or a thermostat? Stay cool y’all.

I usually sit down to begin writing something I’ve been thinking about around Thursday of each week. Well, this week, Thursday just happens to be our 38^th wedding anniversary, so being the romantic I am, it just seemed appropriate to be a little extra vulnerable and pull back the curtain on my thoughts about marriage.

I had actually been thinking about the very religious / spiritual topic of sin, which got me thinking about selfishness, which morphed into thinking about selflessness, which brought me around to marriage. Before all you unmarried readers tune out, hang in here for a paragraph or so, and maybe we can all learn something together. Even though I’ve been married for 38 years, I feel like I’ve still got a lot to learn on this topic.

In Webster’s Dictionary, 1828, Online edition: marriage is defined as: “The act of uniting a man and woman for life; wedlock; the legal union of a man and woman for life.  Marriage is a contract both civil and religious, by which the parties engage to live together in mutual affection and fidelity, till death shall separate them.” This original definition in Webster’s dictionary goes on to detail that this legal union has its roots in English Common Law and lists one of the benefits as being for the management and well being of children!

As a Christian (a follower of Christ), I have come to believe every sinful act, is at its core, a selfish act. I’m not recommending that we all gather around and sing Kumbaya, and pretend evil is not present in the world at large, or in our community, but can you imagine what a sweet, yes, blissful existence we would have if everyone acted selflessly, instead of selfishly?

So let’s get back to the subject of marital bliss. The secret sauce is no secret, but it is very hard. We are all selfish beings. Every one of us is selfish. We want our needs met. All of us who are married or have ever been married, can remember times when we resolved in our heart that we were going to put our spouse’s needs ahead of our own; we were going to lay down our agenda and live an “others first” lifestyle regarding our spouse. Most of us can also probably remember when we finally got fed up with “their selfish attitude” and let them have it, asking in our “righteous indignation” how they could not have noticed how much we had been putting their needs first! The really funny reactions are when they truly had not noticed. Did I mention that we are all selfish beings?

Ok, so here is the secret to wedded bliss. You have to lay down your agenda; you have to lay down your need to be served, or to have your desires met by your spouse. You have to change your focus from what I need to what you need, and don’t waste your breath telling them what you are doing, just do it! Put your spouse first, every time, all the time. Try it. Yeah, you say, but you don’t know this selfish jerk! You are right, I don’t know them, but answer this question. How is what you are doing now working? Try this for one month and let me know if you do not feel better about your marriage.

According to Suzanne Pish of Michigan State University, a strong family finds that opportunities for quality time emerge from quantity time. I could not agree more. For many years I have heard busy parents make this statement; “I may not spend a lot of time with my children, but I make sure the time we do have is quality time”. To which I reply; quantity time IS quality time. But I don’t want to get hung up debating quantity versus quality; I simply want to make the case that family time is a critical part of raising self assured, self confident, well adjusted children.

So what do I mean by family time? My wife uses a phrase I really like when describing our relationship with very close friends – “doing life together”. In families, this phrase encompasses activities like eating meals together, reviewing the day, or the last few days, jointly celebrating the highs and helping bear the weight of the lows, working together, playing together, and praying together. I have known some families who designate an evening regularly as family game night. In our family, the best times are what I refer to as “down time” – times when no activity has to be planned in advance and you just hang out together. Some of my favorite times and best memories are from the spontaneous little games or activities that happen when our family is just spending time together. Notice the key condition here is together, and the key component is time.

We parents sometimes trip ourselves up trying to create special memories when we plan overly expensive, overly demanding and overly complex vacations. A few years ago, we were having a casual meal at home and talking with our three adult children, about some of the things we had done and trips we had taken as a family. We have never lived an extravagant lifestyle, but we did take some pretty cool trips when the kids were young. I asked them to tell me about one of their best memories from things we did together during childhood. To my surprise, all three said their best memories were camping trips we had taken to Fall Creek Falls State Park, less than and hour and a half from our home! As I reflected on this, it made sense – complicated / expensive vacations can tend to be stressful. Large crowds, busy schedules, and long distance travel, whether you are driving or flying can all combine to leave you feeling a little tired and stressed when you return home (here is a tip – include a free day at home in your plans when you return from a big trip). Our camping trips were just the opposite – no set schedule, casual easy meals, and lots of time in the evenings around the campfire, just enjoying being TOGETHER.

One of my intents for these weekly missives is to include a faith component in my writing. So how would faith play into my opinion about the importance of family time?  From a Q&A session on James Dobson’s Focus on the Family website:

Is there really any scriptural basis for “focusing on the family”? Especially when Jesus says in his own words to “hate” my family. Good question you say. Answer: In Matthew 12:46-50 or Luke 14:26, Jesus did NOT say, “the church trumps the family system”. As a matter of fact, such an interpretation of His words can be dangerously misapplied. A great deal of damage has been inflicted on spouses and children through over-commitment to church programs and activities. The site goes on to respond, and I agree, that the proper understanding of Jesus’s words were that our love and devotion to Him should be so strong that all other attractions look like hate in comparison.

So I’m very comfortable in my assertion that my favorite TV shows lead character (Frank Reagan of Blue Bloods) has it right when he says, “family first”.

I’ll wrap up this week by sharing a personal story. This past week Pam and I went to the beach with family. I don’t know how it came to be, but my family loves going to the beach. Personally I was blessed with skin that sunburns even when hiding under whatever temporary shelter we haul to the beach. Not to mention the sand! How is it that beach sand ends up everywhere it should not be? But my family loves it, and I love watching them enjoy it. Before I sound all self-sacrificing here, how bad can it be when I’m watching one granddaughter experience the thrill of jumping into the pool, and learn about sand dollars, and the other one dancing down the beach singing a song only she knows the words to. Oh, and I did play golf twice with my sons, and enjoyed lots of fresh seafood, so no complaints here – actually it was pretty awesome.

So, how about some family time for your family? It really is important. Commit to it, or re-commit to it. Take it from a granddad – it’s worth whatever it takes. Go make some memories – throw some dogs on the grill or get the family around the fire in your backyard.

I’d love to hear your stories, or respond to any questions you may have.

KONICA MINOLTA DIGITAL CAMERA

Come on Man!

I know all you fellow Polk County News readers, like me, were thrilled
to hear that the Newspaper is back in publication. I have sorely missed it, and want to express my sincere appreciation to Candyce and Walter Bates for having the courage and commitment to take the necessary steps to bring back our paper.

For the past three years I have had the honor of working as the School Counselor at Chilhowee Middle School. Through that work I met Mrs. Bates who has given me the opportunity to contribute to the Newspaper. It seemed appropriate in this first article to briefly introduce myself. I grew up in rural North Alabama just outside Huntsville. In 1979 I graduated from the University of Alabama at Huntsville where I met a member of the women’s basketball team, Pam German. We were married the following year and moved to Chattanooga where we lived and worked for 31 years raising three children. In the fall of 2011 we moved to Polk County. Most of my career was spent in Information Technology until I felt compelled at the youthful age of 52 to return to school and earn a Masters
Degree in Counseling, thus setting in motion the process that brought me to work in the local Middle School these past three years. So now that you have a general idea who will be writing this article, perhaps you would like to know about what I intend to write. I have strong feelings about and enjoy writing on issues related to Faith and Family. Additionally I am associated with a Men’s Ministry called The Journey Ministries (www.thejourneyministries.com), so I will also write about Men’s issues. Occasionally I will just write about whatever happens to be on my mind that week. Deep breath…

So how ‘bout these men? Since I have 63 years of experience being one, this is a subject area on which I feel abundantly qualified to ruminate. For many years now I have watched in dismay the devastating impact of absentee fathers on their children. I am not a statistician – far from it; however, you do not have to be to see this. But statistically, fatherless children struggle. Any report or book you care to read on the topic bears out this fact.
Consider these numbers:
– 63% of youth suicides come from fatherless homes – 5 times the average
– 90% of all homeless and runaway children are from fatherless homes – 32 times the average
– 85% of all children who show behavior disorders come from fatherless homes – 20 times the average. (Center for Disease Control)
– 80% of rapists with anger problems come from fatherless homes –14 times the average. (Justice & Behavior, Vol 14, p. 403-26)
– 71% of all high school dropouts come from fatherless homes – 9 times the average. (National Principals Association Report)
– 75% of all adolescent patients in chemical abuse centers come from fatherless homes – 10 times the average

Get the picture? I could go on and on and on, but the purpose of my little rant today is not to quote depressing numbers. The purpose of this writing is to remind you that you are not a statistic. You are a person, an individual, with choices in front of you. If you are that absentee father, you have choices about whether you will continue allowing your children to grow up without your involvement. I want to encourage you to take a chance, and reach out to your children. They are amazingly forgiving, and there is a richness to life you have been missing out on. I am not as naïve as you may think. I realize there are situations and circumstances that may make it extremely difficult for you to have constant contact with your children. But I also know it is worth the effort – worth the sacrifice. Children simply do better when allowed to have a great relationship with both parents.

If you are that fatherless child, or were one, you have choices about whether to allow life’s disappointments to make you bitter, or to rise above your circumstance. Remember, you are not a statistic unless you choose that path. I have known men and women who have in fact chosen to defy the odds and refuse to just be another depressing statistic. Granted, these are the outliers, the exceptions but their situations were as bad as you can imagine. They are individuals who have grown up with absentee or even abusive fathers who somehow found the inner strength to succeed in spite of it all. As a counselor, when I meet with young people who live in less than ideal circumstances, these are the stories I tell. I try to instill hope and convince young people who deep inside believe they will never be good at anything that they can indeed “make it” and that they do indeed have what it takes to be a responsible and ultimately successful adult.