For several days since the untimely and tragic loss of Kelby Fritts I have had the phrase “unspeakable loss” tumbling around in my head. There are no adequate words that bring comfort. I remarked to a group of fellow faculty members this week, that in a community where we sometimes struggle to instill hope for a promising future, Kelby was a brilliant, bright, beacon of hope.

Last week I wrote that I always felt like I knew what to say, and now I am struck by the irony that sometimes there is no such thing as the right words; yet, faced with the enormity of this loss, I feel compelled to say something. So let me dedicate a few words to her memory. If you knew Kelby Fritts, you loved her. She had a rare zest for life that you wish all young people possessed. She was extremely intelligent, but what made that even more delightful was that she was also a great student. She was funny, beautiful, friendly, and caring. She was not perfect, but unlike many of us, she was quicker than most to own her faults. I have heard several people say they felt that they were better for having been around Kelby.

In a 2016 article, Psychotherapist and writer Linda Carroll shares some good advice about how to “be there” for someone who experiences loss: 1) Resist the urge to avoid. Isolation can compound the feeling of the loss they are already experiencing. Do not let your own discomfort keep you from providing comfort. 2) Admit not knowing the right thing to say and resist using meaningless phrases like “everything happens for a reason”, or “I know just how you feel”. Your presence communicates your most comforting message. 3) If they want to talk, LISTEN; provide a sympathetic ear and resist the urge to share your own story. You are there for them. 4) We all manage our own pain differently. Some people may seem to be in denial, or angry, or detached. Provide them the space to grieve in their own way, and the grace to not pass judgment. Remember, your best message is your presence. 5) Rather than making a general offer like, “let me know if I can do anything”, offer to do something practical and specific. For example, offer to provide a specific meal, or mow their lawn.

We live in a time when loss of life among our youth is far too common. My hope and prayer is that all of us will look for opportunities to use whatever influence we have to change that fact. I think this would be the one way we could most effectively honor the memory of our precious Kelby, until we meet again.