How many times in the past month have you heard someone use the term “being real”? As in, I’m just trying to be real with you, or I want you to be real with me, or come on man, be real! The way we use words is continually changing, and speaking about being real has come to mean being genuine, or having integrity, or of having your words match your actions.

How about when your feelings do not match your own actions? In my work as a counselor, I have often encountered people (young and old) who faced tasks or situations in which they felt completely incapable. You may have heard someone trying to encourage a friend by using the expression “fake it until you make it”. That is actually not a bad way to say what I sometimes recommend, but using an expression that begins with the word “fake” can give the impression that if you are faking, you must be disingenuous (not real). So, I prefer using the expression to “act as if”.

For example, if I were speaking to an 8th grade math student who said they were terrible in math and there was no point in even trying, I might have a conversation that goes something like this. “I understand how you feel, but lets play a little game. Ask yourself; what would you be doing if you believed you were good in math and expected to do well in the class? In that case, wouldn’t you be more likely to pay attention in class, and study for the upcoming exam? Because if you believed you were a good math student, then you would want to prepare and make the best grade possible, right? If these are the things you would do IF you believed you were a good math student, then try this experiment with me. For the next two weeks, until after the upcoming math exam, agree with me that you will begin to “act as if” you were in fact a solid math student”
In this 8th grade scenario, as it has played out a few times, students have found that they can in fact do things they previously did not feel they were capable of accomplishing. In some cases I have had similar conversations regarding much simpler tasks, like “I agree to act as if I can get up and get myself emotionally ready to face this day”.

How about you, reader? What are you facing this week that you feel you cannot deal with? Is there a problem you face in your work that is so far beyond your capability you do not intend to even try? Perhaps there is a co-worker with whom you have given up on trying to have a positive relationship. How about trying my game of “acting as if”. If you “acted as if” you could deal with the difficult problem, you would be researching ways to overcome it, thinking about it, and working on it. How about your relationship with that difficult peer? If you are willing to risk “acting as if” you are happy to see them, engaging them in conversation, caring about the things they care about, you just might be surprised at how your relationship changes. Even more important, think about this strategy regarding that family relationship you may be struggling with.

Before I stop for today, I need to point out that by recommending for you to “act as if”, I am not referring to some pop-psychologist ideas about acting as if you are rich and just waiting for the cash box to fall into your lap. Also, this is not a “wally original”. It is actually a recognized and recommended counseling technique of the Cognitive Behavioral mode of Psychotherapy (CBT).
So how about it friend, are you game for my game? I think I will act as if you are, and expect to hear back from you.