Early in my career I spent 17 years in the Tennessee Valley Authority Data Center and for the first several years I worked in an area referred to as Data Management. One of our responsibilities was to assist our users or customers in keeping track of their important data files, which were electronically stored on magnetic disks of various types and capacities, an area of technology that has advanced more than most of us could have imagined back then.

One of the services we were often called upon to assist with was restoring their data files in the event they had been corrupted, damaged or inadvertently written over or deleted. Our first question was always; do you have a backup file or copy of your data? Our work group always told anyone who would listen, if you don’t create a backup, you can’t recover you data. “If you don’t, you can’t”. I must have uttered those words hundreds of times.

Recently I was thinking back about those days and about those words. It occurred to me that this same phrase applies to a lot of things in life. If you don’t plant in the spring, you can’t harvest in the fall. If you don’t plan ahead for a rainy day, you can’t survive when hard times come. A slight paraphrase of 2 Thessalonians 3:10 would be if you don’t work, you can’t eat. This is a principle that was honored and adhered to for most of our country’s history, but which we have turned away from in the last 50 years, with less than satisfactory results.

I spend a lot of time thinking about the topic of fatherhood, and as a father it occurs to me that if you don’t spend time with your children when they are young, you can’t expect to do so when they are older. In 1974, Harry Chapin recorded a huge hit song; Cat’s in the Cradle. The song was inspired by a poem his wife had written about the awkward relationship between her first husband and his father. As the story in the song develops, a young son who idolizes his father continually asks, “when you coming home, dad” and the father answers each time “I don’t know when, but you know we’ll have a good time then, son”. As the song progresses, the son grows up to be just like his dad and the lyrics change to “when you coming home, son” and his response; “I don’t know when, but it was sure nice talking to you, dad”. Chapin once remarked “frankly, this song scares me to death”.

I think most of us have areas of our life where we have good intentions, but perhaps fall down a bit in following through. Take a moment to consider these words, because if you don’t, you can’t

For several days since the untimely and tragic loss of Kelby Fritts I have had the phrase “unspeakable loss” tumbling around in my head. There are no adequate words that bring comfort. I remarked to a group of fellow faculty members this week, that in a community where we sometimes struggle to instill hope for a promising future, Kelby was a brilliant, bright, beacon of hope.

Last week I wrote that I always felt like I knew what to say, and now I am struck by the irony that sometimes there is no such thing as the right words; yet, faced with the enormity of this loss, I feel compelled to say something. So let me dedicate a few words to her memory. If you knew Kelby Fritts, you loved her. She had a rare zest for life that you wish all young people possessed. She was extremely intelligent, but what made that even more delightful was that she was also a great student. She was funny, beautiful, friendly, and caring. She was not perfect, but unlike many of us, she was quicker than most to own her faults. I have heard several people say they felt that they were better for having been around Kelby.

In a 2016 article, Psychotherapist and writer Linda Carroll shares some good advice about how to “be there” for someone who experiences loss: 1) Resist the urge to avoid. Isolation can compound the feeling of the loss they are already experiencing. Do not let your own discomfort keep you from providing comfort. 2) Admit not knowing the right thing to say and resist using meaningless phrases like “everything happens for a reason”, or “I know just how you feel”. Your presence communicates your most comforting message. 3) If they want to talk, LISTEN; provide a sympathetic ear and resist the urge to share your own story. You are there for them. 4) We all manage our own pain differently. Some people may seem to be in denial, or angry, or detached. Provide them the space to grieve in their own way, and the grace to not pass judgment. Remember, your best message is your presence. 5) Rather than making a general offer like, “let me know if I can do anything”, offer to do something practical and specific. For example, offer to provide a specific meal, or mow their lawn.

We live in a time when loss of life among our youth is far too common. My hope and prayer is that all of us will look for opportunities to use whatever influence we have to change that fact. I think this would be the one way we could most effectively honor the memory of our precious Kelby, until we meet again.

Do you ever stop and wonder why it is you do what you do, or conduct yourself in public in a certain way? Without realizing it at the time, most of us were influenced during our youth to do certain things, and do them in a certain way. Dr. Ivan Misner is the founder of Business Networking International. With over 200,000 members worldwide, BNI is the world’s largest business networking and business referral organization. Isner tells a story from a high school freshman history class that he wholeheartedly believes greatly influenced him and set him on a course to be the influential speaker, writer and business leader that he is today. He ran for student council multiple times during Middle School, failing dismally each time. Then, his 9th grade history class, taught by Mr. Romero was appointed the task of selecting the freshman student council representative. After no one responded to Mr. Romero’s appeal for a volunteer, he appointed Ivan Misner, over the protests of his classmates who had voted against him for the last 3 years. Young Ivan was humiliated, but responding to Mr. Romero’s confidence, he determined to work hard and prove he had made a wise choice. He did such a great job that at year-end he was re-elected to serve as sophomore representative, and his senior, he was elected as the student body president. He is convinced that most of us have been similarly impacted by some positive experience, or sometimes discouraged and defeated early in life by a negative one.

Reading his story and reflecting on it, I remembered a time when as a 12 year old, my Sunday school teacher, Joe Simpson, had a conversation with my Dad, which I am certain had a lifelong impact on me. Mr. Simpson told my Dad after church one Sunday that he enjoyed having me in his class because it seemed I always knew just the right thing to say, and seemed comfortable speaking with anyone, whether someone of my own age, or even with adults. There is no doubt that this compliment impacted the way I viewed myself when interacting with others. I can also remember other interactions that definitely had long-term effects, but were negative rather than positive. As I think back over my life I can think of many people who impacted me and helped to shape me into the person I am today, but it was those from my youth that had the largest impact.

Why do I do what I do? I guess you could fairly say I have a strong desire to positively impact my community and others with whom I come into contact. I helped found The Journey Ministries (thejourneyministries.com) because I want to influence men to be the kind of men God calls us to be. I write this article each week, hoping that over time it will afford me the opportunity to influence those who take the time to read my weekly rant. It seems only fair that I should “fess up” about my motivation. In my work life, I am afforded the opportunity to hopefully have a positive influence on some of the young people of the community in which I live. As I reflect on it today, and think about the confidence I have to openly talk about these things, I remember that conversation Joe Simpson had with my Dad over 50 years ago.

Has this triggered any memories for you, perhaps causing you to think back over your life and remember some positive or negative words you may have had spoken to you? The experiences from our youth often have an impact the speaker never imagined. One thing I would encourage all of us to be cognizant of, and it sounds like grandfatherly advice. When speaking to our youth, mind your words. Have a wonderful week.

How many times in the past month have you heard someone use the term “being real”? As in, I’m just trying to be real with you, or I want you to be real with me, or come on man, be real! The way we use words is continually changing, and speaking about being real has come to mean being genuine, or having integrity, or of having your words match your actions.

How about when your feelings do not match your own actions? In my work as a counselor, I have often encountered people (young and old) who faced tasks or situations in which they felt completely incapable. You may have heard someone trying to encourage a friend by using the expression “fake it until you make it”. That is actually not a bad way to say what I sometimes recommend, but using an expression that begins with the word “fake” can give the impression that if you are faking, you must be disingenuous (not real). So, I prefer using the expression to “act as if”.

For example, if I were speaking to an 8th grade math student who said they were terrible in math and there was no point in even trying, I might have a conversation that goes something like this. “I understand how you feel, but lets play a little game. Ask yourself; what would you be doing if you believed you were good in math and expected to do well in the class? In that case, wouldn’t you be more likely to pay attention in class, and study for the upcoming exam? Because if you believed you were a good math student, then you would want to prepare and make the best grade possible, right? If these are the things you would do IF you believed you were a good math student, then try this experiment with me. For the next two weeks, until after the upcoming math exam, agree with me that you will begin to “act as if” you were in fact a solid math student”
In this 8th grade scenario, as it has played out a few times, students have found that they can in fact do things they previously did not feel they were capable of accomplishing. In some cases I have had similar conversations regarding much simpler tasks, like “I agree to act as if I can get up and get myself emotionally ready to face this day”.

How about you, reader? What are you facing this week that you feel you cannot deal with? Is there a problem you face in your work that is so far beyond your capability you do not intend to even try? Perhaps there is a co-worker with whom you have given up on trying to have a positive relationship. How about trying my game of “acting as if”. If you “acted as if” you could deal with the difficult problem, you would be researching ways to overcome it, thinking about it, and working on it. How about your relationship with that difficult peer? If you are willing to risk “acting as if” you are happy to see them, engaging them in conversation, caring about the things they care about, you just might be surprised at how your relationship changes. Even more important, think about this strategy regarding that family relationship you may be struggling with.

Before I stop for today, I need to point out that by recommending for you to “act as if”, I am not referring to some pop-psychologist ideas about acting as if you are rich and just waiting for the cash box to fall into your lap. Also, this is not a “wally original”. It is actually a recognized and recommended counseling technique of the Cognitive Behavioral mode of Psychotherapy (CBT).
So how about it friend, are you game for my game? I think I will act as if you are, and expect to hear back from you.