I usually sit down to begin writing something I’ve been thinking about around Thursday of each week. Well, this week, Thursday just happens to be our 38^th wedding anniversary, so being the romantic I am, it just seemed appropriate to be a little extra vulnerable and pull back the curtain on my thoughts about marriage.

I had actually been thinking about the very religious / spiritual topic of sin, which got me thinking about selfishness, which morphed into thinking about selflessness, which brought me around to marriage. Before all you unmarried readers tune out, hang in here for a paragraph or so, and maybe we can all learn something together. Even though I’ve been married for 38 years, I feel like I’ve still got a lot to learn on this topic.

In Webster’s Dictionary, 1828, Online edition: marriage is defined as: “The act of uniting a man and woman for life; wedlock; the legal union of a man and woman for life.  Marriage is a contract both civil and religious, by which the parties engage to live together in mutual affection and fidelity, till death shall separate them.” This original definition in Webster’s dictionary goes on to detail that this legal union has its roots in English Common Law and lists one of the benefits as being for the management and well being of children!

As a Christian (a follower of Christ), I have come to believe every sinful act, is at its core, a selfish act. I’m not recommending that we all gather around and sing Kumbaya, and pretend evil is not present in the world at large, or in our community, but can you imagine what a sweet, yes, blissful existence we would have if everyone acted selflessly, instead of selfishly?

So let’s get back to the subject of marital bliss. The secret sauce is no secret, but it is very hard. We are all selfish beings. Every one of us is selfish. We want our needs met. All of us who are married or have ever been married, can remember times when we resolved in our heart that we were going to put our spouse’s needs ahead of our own; we were going to lay down our agenda and live an “others first” lifestyle regarding our spouse. Most of us can also probably remember when we finally got fed up with “their selfish attitude” and let them have it, asking in our “righteous indignation” how they could not have noticed how much we had been putting their needs first! The really funny reactions are when they truly had not noticed. Did I mention that we are all selfish beings?

Ok, so here is the secret to wedded bliss. You have to lay down your agenda; you have to lay down your need to be served, or to have your desires met by your spouse. You have to change your focus from what I need to what you need, and don’t waste your breath telling them what you are doing, just do it! Put your spouse first, every time, all the time. Try it. Yeah, you say, but you don’t know this selfish jerk! You are right, I don’t know them, but answer this question. How is what you are doing now working? Try this for one month and let me know if you do not feel better about your marriage.